Dear power of the universe,
I pray that I am an example for those around me of unconditional love. I pray that I continue to grow into who you want me to be and shine a light to any darkness that may be around. I am afraid of running out of time to do your work. I'm worried I am distracting myself with things that aren't useful, like tv and specializing with dramatic people. Please show me how to grow in your love.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
357
Sunday, January 25, 2015
359
A lesson that I learned a while ago was this:your happiness is not my responsibility.
It has served me well when I am dealing with people who are dependent on me for emotional security. The same goes in the face of death. I am responsible for my own experience. I am responsible for the maintenance of my own security in the universe. It had served me well to learn this, practice this and teach others to break the bonds of co-dependency.
Friday, January 23, 2015
360
Success and accomplishments are happening. I'm happy to be helping and my success is lived through helping others. My own personal gain isn't important.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
361
I am exhausted. I found out my boss is leaving earlier than expected. He seemed pretty sad about it. Someone else is covering for him. He is my peer and I have been in the position for longer. I have more experience convering as manager, and oddly enough I am not threatened by any of it. I'm ok l letting that go and concentrating on my own work. I'm not stuck in story of defeat. I'm ok being and waking the path before me.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
362
I posted a bunch of things, and then I hit the home button, erasing all of my work.
Bottom line, nothing is important in the face of death. No matter what chaos presents itself, I can choose to move toward the truth rather than believe the lies my narrator tells me. The narrated story isn't true.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
363
Today was very mundane. I think I'm still in denial about dying. I haven't even read the material and I'd rather pretend that my death isn't going to happen.
I spent the day working and I found myself not really caring to be emotionally invested in anything. A friend called me with a very emotional relationship issue, and I avoided making the negative energy my own. In the grand scheme of things, none of that is important when faced with death. I think I'm meant to discard that which does not serve me.
After work I spent time with a friend. There is so much cool shit in the world to look at. I hesitated to but stuff, mostly because I have no where to store it but also because I'm dying anyways and won't need it.
This death doesn't seem real.
Monday, January 19, 2015
364
Today was strange. I spent most of the day doing nothing but very mundane work. I felt bored out of my mind. My only excitement of the day came when my partner got home from a tournament in Vegas. I was happy that she was home and felt a deep sense of love for her.
I went to the dinner before my AA meeting with my partner and my friend. We ate some pizza, which was our normal routine. We chatted, laughed and reviewed the weekend's activities. It was like any other day.
It wasn't until the meeting started that I realized in less than a year, I would no longer be in that room. I would no longer get to spend time with my partner and with my friends. I would be absent and I know my absence would be a heavy burden for some people. I never understood how many people I touched until I sat in that room and saw how many people's eye lit up when they saw me. The hugs, the laughter, the feeling of belonging...all gone in less than a year. And the worst part would be leaving my partner behind to live the rest of her life without me. That was the part I didn't want to touch because the emotions behind it were far too painful. I had to stop reflecting and bring myself to the present moment of the meeting. But in one instance, I was transformed into believing that I will die and leave everything and everyone I have ever known behind.
I went to the dinner before my AA meeting with my partner and my friend. We ate some pizza, which was our normal routine. We chatted, laughed and reviewed the weekend's activities. It was like any other day.
It wasn't until the meeting started that I realized in less than a year, I would no longer be in that room. I would no longer get to spend time with my partner and with my friends. I would be absent and I know my absence would be a heavy burden for some people. I never understood how many people I touched until I sat in that room and saw how many people's eye lit up when they saw me. The hugs, the laughter, the feeling of belonging...all gone in less than a year. And the worst part would be leaving my partner behind to live the rest of her life without me. That was the part I didn't want to touch because the emotions behind it were far too painful. I had to stop reflecting and bring myself to the present moment of the meeting. But in one instance, I was transformed into believing that I will die and leave everything and everyone I have ever known behind.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
365
Today I started the mediation practice "A Year To Live."
http://www.againstthestream.org/a-year-to-live/
From this point forward, I will be practicing with the idea that I will die in 1 year.
After some reflection and understanding of my own life, I have decided that this was the perfect time to jump into this practice. It's not an easy decision. There is "never enough time" already, so knowing that I'm going to essentially die with a solid end date is a little worrisome.
At the class, we had an exercise which consisted of pairing up with someone. I chose a woman, who happened to be sitting a few people away from me and looked inviting. I chose her out of pure laziness and a sort of jealousy for everyone else in the class who seemed to know each other. It was my perception that I was the outsider, and she happened to be alone in the moment I saw her. BEST DECISION EVER...or better yet, the most enlightening experience ever.
The exercise is one I had done before and was very helpful in cultivating my listening skills. One person speaks for 10 minutes while the other listens without reaction, conversation or non-verbal communication. It's a practice of learning to listen without the need to respond and a practice to learn how to be vulnerable while accepting what comes up.
My partner's talk started out very energetic and took a turn toward a dark spot in her life. Apparently her mother had committed suicide when she was 14. The way she spoke about it and the way she shared candidly about her emotional response to that put words to feelings I had for years. Finally, someone who understood what I went through as a child. Someone who unknowingly dug into the deep rooted and undiscovered pains of my childhood. I cried, silent tears of relief and fear for what I would uncover in the next year. At first, she didn't understand fully why I was emotional.
Then I shared, and she understood fully. I got to share about my past with my mom, my dad, my bone issues which have stemmed from that experience and how the hardest part of all of it is that I am not in control over what happened then, what is happening now and what will happen in the future. Of course in the end I had an emotional hangover and I needed to take a nap.
I am blown away by this experience and it was only day one!
Afterwards, we shared a bit, did some meditation and ran through the scenario of catching an incurable disease that would kill us in 365 days. Immediately we had to write about what was important, what we wanted to do, etc. My list was surprisingly different than what I thought it would be. I thought for sure I would want to cross off items on the bucket list...but no. I want to be present and love those around me as much as possible before I die. Those other things are not as important as cultivating relationships with people.
I am interested in seeing where my last year on earth takes me starting today.
http://www.againstthestream.org/a-year-to-live/
From this point forward, I will be practicing with the idea that I will die in 1 year.
After some reflection and understanding of my own life, I have decided that this was the perfect time to jump into this practice. It's not an easy decision. There is "never enough time" already, so knowing that I'm going to essentially die with a solid end date is a little worrisome.
At the class, we had an exercise which consisted of pairing up with someone. I chose a woman, who happened to be sitting a few people away from me and looked inviting. I chose her out of pure laziness and a sort of jealousy for everyone else in the class who seemed to know each other. It was my perception that I was the outsider, and she happened to be alone in the moment I saw her. BEST DECISION EVER...or better yet, the most enlightening experience ever.
The exercise is one I had done before and was very helpful in cultivating my listening skills. One person speaks for 10 minutes while the other listens without reaction, conversation or non-verbal communication. It's a practice of learning to listen without the need to respond and a practice to learn how to be vulnerable while accepting what comes up.
My partner's talk started out very energetic and took a turn toward a dark spot in her life. Apparently her mother had committed suicide when she was 14. The way she spoke about it and the way she shared candidly about her emotional response to that put words to feelings I had for years. Finally, someone who understood what I went through as a child. Someone who unknowingly dug into the deep rooted and undiscovered pains of my childhood. I cried, silent tears of relief and fear for what I would uncover in the next year. At first, she didn't understand fully why I was emotional.
Then I shared, and she understood fully. I got to share about my past with my mom, my dad, my bone issues which have stemmed from that experience and how the hardest part of all of it is that I am not in control over what happened then, what is happening now and what will happen in the future. Of course in the end I had an emotional hangover and I needed to take a nap.
I am blown away by this experience and it was only day one!
Afterwards, we shared a bit, did some meditation and ran through the scenario of catching an incurable disease that would kill us in 365 days. Immediately we had to write about what was important, what we wanted to do, etc. My list was surprisingly different than what I thought it would be. I thought for sure I would want to cross off items on the bucket list...but no. I want to be present and love those around me as much as possible before I die. Those other things are not as important as cultivating relationships with people.
I am interested in seeing where my last year on earth takes me starting today.
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