365

Today I started the mediation practice "A Year To Live."

http://www.againstthestream.org/a-year-to-live/

From this point forward, I will be practicing with the idea that I will die in 1 year.
After some reflection and understanding of my own life, I have decided that this was the perfect time to jump into this practice. It's not an easy decision. There is "never enough time" already, so knowing that I'm going to essentially die with a solid end date is a little worrisome.

At the class, we had an exercise which consisted of pairing up with someone. I chose a woman, who happened to be sitting a few people away from me and looked inviting. I chose her out of pure laziness and a sort of jealousy for everyone else in the class who seemed to know each other. It was my perception that I was the outsider, and she happened to be alone in the moment I saw her. BEST DECISION EVER...or better yet, the most enlightening experience ever.

The exercise is one I had done before and was very helpful in cultivating my listening skills. One person speaks for 10 minutes while the other listens without reaction, conversation or non-verbal communication. It's a practice of learning to listen without the need to respond and a practice to learn how to be vulnerable while accepting what comes up.

My partner's talk started out very energetic and took a turn toward a dark spot in her life. Apparently her mother had committed suicide when she was 14. The way she spoke about it and the way she shared candidly about her emotional response to that put words to feelings I had for years. Finally, someone who understood what I went through as a child. Someone who unknowingly dug into the deep rooted and undiscovered pains of my childhood. I cried, silent tears of relief and fear for what I would uncover in the next year. At first, she didn't understand fully why I was emotional.

Then I shared, and she understood fully. I got to share about my past with my mom, my dad, my bone issues which have stemmed from that experience and how the hardest part of all of it is that I am not in control over what happened then, what is happening now and what will happen in the future. Of course in the end I had an emotional hangover and I needed to take a nap.

I am blown away by this experience and it was only day one!

Afterwards, we shared a bit, did some meditation and ran through the scenario of catching an incurable disease that would kill us in 365 days. Immediately we had to write about what was important, what we wanted to do, etc. My list was surprisingly different than what I thought it would be. I thought for sure I would want to cross off items on the bucket list...but no. I want to be present and love those around me as much as possible before I die. Those other things are not as important as cultivating relationships with people.

I am interested in seeing where my last year on earth takes me starting today.