you left your shit at my house...

I love the thoughts that go through my head sometimes. Most people hate them, so I rarely say them out loud but here are a few from this weekend:

-Ok, here's the game plan. I'm going inside, I'll drop a deuce, jump in the pool for a quick dip and then bail.

-Tell that old bag to fire up the grille and throw another shrimp on the barbie; it is a party right?

-Thanks for giving me something to do during the day on a nice Sunday day because if this were 2008, I'd be high and drunk riding my beach cruiser down the beach. I prefer this shit so much more.

-Thanks for coming over and watch me watch TV all day. I really appreciate the company.

-Last time I checked, you're only an elder by belly button therefor you get no respect according to the room standards.

-You clearly have mental issues and need to stop throwing me around or my mental issues will act out. This is your warning and anything beyond this is not my fault, but my brains fault.

-There's nothing better than watching my stock go up while you're life is in shambles. UPGRADE!

-It's like a little christmas present on the top of my head. It's perfection!

-It's because she got face lifts, but they used the same leathery worn skin so it looks just as bad.

-Something about you makes me want to throw my dirty plate at you. Don't tell me you're the trash commitment because that gives me a reason to do it.

Yeah, that's all I got. I had a mellow weekend and it's not even done yet.

There's nothing worse than seeing 2 high school sweethearts get married on facebook

In all honesty, when I saw this update I threw up a little in my mouth. It was like seeing 2 siblings make out in front of my face. UGH!

Of course they are all happy and in love in the sunset on the beach. It's sickening and not because I'm jealous. It's sickening because these people haven't branched outside of our small hometown in Orange County to see the world and date new people. These are the type of people that will be breeding future citizens of the OC and never know what Hollywood Blvd looks like because their life is contained to area between Hamilton and Talbert *Anything farther than Talbert would be the uncharted territory of Fountain Valley*

We wonder why our youth is half brain dead when we watch shows like The Hills...because as OCers, we cannot leave our newly remodeled strip malls and cul-de-sacs. I'm convinced that OC was mapped out to have millions of these neighborhoods as a metaphor for the type of people who would be inhabiting them. We are a series of families crammed into a dead end neighborhood, much like our lives are crammed with a series of dead ends.

What makes the situation even better is that this person has a photo posted of our high school cheer squad (and yes, this too makes me throw up). This part of the story makes me laugh because my school's cheer squad was unlike any other you've ever seen. They all started out as hot young women trying out for the freshman squad, but by Junior year, they were all pushing 215. There was nothing better than trying to watch them flap around in their size 26 skirts and balance on each other's shoulders. It was like watching a circus of elephants make a pyramid. This may be mean to say, but I can't help it. It makes me laugh until I cry...

2 birds one stone

My neighbors must think I'm fucking nuts. I can picture them saying "how many fucking dishes does this bitch have?!"

I choose to use every last dish/pot/pan/fork/knife/spoon in my apartment and wash them all on one night at 9 pm. This usually takes about a month to rack up a dirty stack. I often times like to buy my life in bulk. I have about eleventy plates, 40 glasses, 30 pieces of silverware and 10 pots/pans...and I live alone. I also like using items for multiple uses. Example: a spoon can spread peanut butter just as well as a knife. A pair of scissors can cut just as well as a knife too. I only have four knives so I have to use other sharp objects subtly resembling a knife to cut things.

I think I live most of my life this way. I hate really doing shit until it's absolutely necessary. I just filed away paperwork that has been sitting in my deskal area (I also make up words so deskal area means the area where my desk is. It may seem unnecessary to you, but to me it's important to have a language only I can understand). Most of the dates from said filed shit were from January. If everything could be done on the internet sans paper, I would cum in my pants every time I paid a bill. I hate paper. My life is so full of files and paper that I could start a fire if it got too hot up in my apartment. Sometimes I'm afraid to light a candle for fear that I might just sneeze and scatter embers everywhere, causing a major brush fire that could be seen from space. I know this seems unrealistic but I have a very vivid imagination.

I also have an obsession with taping things to my walls. 3M hooks that tape to my wall holds my entire being together. If one were to fall, the entire apartment building would crumble to pieces, causing my neighbors to die from starvation after being trapped for days...maybe then they would stop cooking meth and shooting people.

20 questions...in long form

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking? If you mean that I spent most of my days in the bathroom crying because this job was just waaaay too hard, yes. If you mean that I was always hung-over or drunk at work, then yes. And if you mean that I slept through most of the day because I had stayed out too late being drunk, then double yes.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy? Well let's see. I successfully secluded myself from my friends and my family on a regular basis to drink 40's by myself. I wasn't hurting them directly, but I'm sure they hated the fact that I shut them out completely. I wasn't unhappy because I was passed out all the time, but they were unhappy so we'll go with yes.

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people? Umm, only when I want to get laid, which is ALL the time because I was a sluuuuuut.

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation? It was all good until I started sleeping with people that I clearly shouldn't have been sleeping with while I was drunk....so yes ma'am

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking? Doesn't everyone?!

6. Have you ever got into financial difficulties as a result of drinking? Always! I was infamous for hundreds of dollars in bar tabs.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking? Well to me a threesome relationship with pill poppers was perfectly acceptable. But in hindsight, I deserve better. Perhaps a threesome relationship with normies this time?

8. Does drinking make you careless of your family's welfare? Obviously! i never showed up to shyyyyt...I missed family life on a regular basis including parties (mostly my own), weddings, funerals, etc.

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking? If I was required to do any sort of work, you could have counted me out. It was cutting into my bar hopping time.

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time? Let's see, at 4pm, at 7pm, right before 2am, and ALL DAY ON THE WEEKENDS.

11. Do you want to drink the next morning? Duh! That's called rallying and what a better way to start of your day than with a mamosa.

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping? I wouldn't say difficulty sleeping as much as I would say waking up from a mini-coma.

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking? Clearly. It was physically impossible to get anything done without taking aderol. Life is just super hard sometimes.

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business? I was almost fired in December, so yeah I'd say so. I have a physical piece of paper showing that I was the worst adjuster in the country. I need to frame that shit. It was hard work being that bad at my job.

15. Do you drink to escape your worries or trouble? I drank to escape, be happy, and make friends.

16. Do you drink alone? No, the TV is on the majority of the time.

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking? Yeah, in Vegas twice, New York a million times, San Diego twice, and I think I was driving all those times.

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking? NO, finally something that's a no! But it was suggested that I check out A.A. if I really wanted to stop drinking.

19. Do you drink to build up your self confidence? Umm, yeah I was not a confident person sober. But when I was drunk, I was the SHYYYT.

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution because of drinking? No, but as a result of drinking yes. I have gotten into plenty of fist fights or allergic reactions for taking the wrong unprescribed meds.

**If you have answered yes to any one of these questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.

If you answered yes to any two, you are an alcoholic.

Just try to take it and lie...you'll still fail.

I'm a mega bitch...

It has suddenly occurred to me that without 8 hours of sleep I'm mega bitch and a half. I fucking hate people on a regular basis, but that's because I NEVER get enough sleep.

Last night I fell asleep at 11 while watching fight club. Woke up at 7, only to find myself actually ready to start the day. "What the fuck?!" I asked myself...I mean seriously?! smiling in the morning is such a foreign concept to me that it's amazing I even tried to crack one on the way to work. I even got flipped off and screamed at again (mainly because I drive a clown car and partially because I'm a woman and don't know how to drive). My normal reaction is to ram my car right into their car going 60, aiming for the door their waving their hand out of in hopes it will sever it off...but today, their bird was met with a nice wave, smile and a "good morning" shout.

Oh how the tides have turned...but it also has to do with the fact that I don't have cable so I'm not baking my brain in front of my wall of a TV causing major brain damage and irritability.

Just for good measure, I'll throw in a nice "FUCK YOU"...for old times sake.

And lastly, why does the new Ghostbuster's game for PS3 look so fucking amazing. LIKE SERIOUSLY?! :: insert valley girl speak here:: I like, so totally want to play the shit out of the game immediately. I'm suddenly foreshadowing a disaster right now...fair warning: in the next few months I will be spending hours playing that fucking game and getting no sleep...making me a MEGA BITCH

what can I do for the man who is still sick?

These are some fun questions that I came up with during the day:

-Shouldn't you be wearing shoes in a body shop? WELCOME TO HEPATITIS!

-Do you really think that yelling at me will make me want to help you?

-Can you control the volume of your voice? I can't hear the drilling inside the shop...

-When are all of the hotties coming to the military processing center across the street? I need man candy!

-If I were to suddenly flip out and ram my car into a bunch of traffic on the 405, can I apply for a stress leave?

-Why do people use powerpoints anymore? I mean for reals, those were popular in the late 90's.

-Why do I feel free when I'm standing on the edge of a tall building, facing downwards and the wind is making me teeter?

-Is it time to retire yet?

A ridiculous compliment letter I send to Charter Cable today...

I just want to commend the services that I received today from one of your associates (and fully expect him to receive a copy of this email as well). I had originally wanted to cancel my cable service and lower my internet service in an attempt to save money. At the same time, my cable box died and it was starting to look like a sign from a higher power that canceling my cable was the next logical step. Over the course of 3 days, I had spoken to 3 different associates, with the best for last.

The first was solely interested in exchanging my cable box, the second was interested in getting me off of the phone and the last was a true gift to your company. I was thoroughly impressed with his charm and willingness to help me out as I was in sincere distress over the situation at hand (I mean giving up Lifetime is one thing but seriously giving up TBS is a whole different ball game). Although both associates before him were special in their own way, the last was one I will talk about for ages. He was funny, smart and an excellent salesman. He listened to my concerns and took me seriously when I shared my detriment over the possible loss of my constant entertainment in an attempt to save money. Not only did he search far and wide for an acceptable rate, he also helped add in channels that I had missed since the days when Time Warner serviced my area.

I can truly say that this gentleman (Nic employee #: 21771) is a great asset to your company. His ability to go above and beyond his call of duty is a testament to the service that your customers deserve. If only we were all staffed with employees like Nic, the world would be a better place.

Thanks for being amazing Nic! Your hard work has brought me more joy than you could ever know.

**Cable is ruining my life at a discounted rate**